I am happily devouring my bagel with cream cheese breakfast yesterday morning in the office and complimenting it with a tall cup of freshly brewed coffee while silently praying for my day to be a good one. I was already pissed on my way to work when a lady in her 40's grabbed my cab even as she has already seen me waived at it. I just prayed for a better mood for the rest of the day. It was the day after my bestfriend's birthday. I left a birthday greeting on her YM the other day because she was not online then. I was waiting for her reply yesterday because she always replies with my messages. Then I thought of just sending another birthday greeting, for assurance that she will receive it. True enough she has received it and thanked me for the greeting. I was not expecting for anything unusual then. It never occurred to me that I am going to receive a rather both pleasant, and unpleasant news.
It was after thanking me that she dropped a bomb. Her boyfriend, of whom I never met, nor seen a picture of, has proposed marriage to her the night of her birthday. I was in awe. I cannot seem to process my feelings. I cannot seem to react. I don't know how to react. She has been my bestfriend for many years now. From our high school years, even up to now that we have separated ways. She decided to leave for Hong Kong, where she came from, after graduating from college. I was not surprised with that news because we have already talked about it a few times before. I have always been thinking of the day after her college degree. In a way, I already know that she will go back to Hong Kong to work. I was already prepared, by the time that she told me about this. I have never told her, and if ever I did, I don't think I said it in a very serious manner. When she was about to leave, I remember talking with her on the phone. My voice did not sound sad, nor was the conversation became dramatic. But inside, I cannot explain what I am feeling. Its a mix of sadness, worry, and fear. I feel sad because she, my bestfriend, is leaving me. I am sad that we won't be able to go to the mall together, celebrate our birthdays together, talk endlessly on the phone, things that we shared together. I am worried because she might not come back here and just stay there for good. I am worried that I might not see her again. I am scared of losing my bestfriend. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being left behind.
You see, she is the sister that I never had. She is the friend that I know will stand by me always. She is the person that I know I can run to everytime. She is the only one whom I trust with everything. She is the one whom I know I can depend on. I am afraid of going through the walks of life, alone. She is the only person, my only friend, that even though we are not talking that much, and though many things had already transpired, and though its as if walls had been built between us, the moment we talk again, its as if nothing has changed. No space and time got between us. Its as if its only yesterday that we talked last.
When she told me about the proposal, my first reply is if she has accepted the proposal. When she said yes, I got confused on how to react. Everything is in a jumble. I did not expect her to get married before me. Just like what I said to her, I always thought that I will be the first to enter marriage. It has no negative connotation, but its just because, of the two of us, I am the one who is "crazy" when in love. I am the one who is ready to give up everything for love. Or at least I thought so. She has always been the one to prioritize her studies, her dreams, over relationships. She has always been very careful. I know of her dream. How she wanted to be a licensed accountant in Hong Kong. That is why I was surprised, and honestly, a little disappointed when I learned of the news. She has not yet reached her dream. She haven't even reached halfway yet. I think of how she will be able to reach her dream, especially when a child comes along. Besides, she has only been with this guy for nine months. I know that it is not right to base a relationship on how long you have been together, but still. I know she's an intelligent lady. In fact, sometimes, I feel envious of her intelligence. I trust her to make the right decisions. And always, at that. I know that she is not like me who make stupid decisions driven by passion.
Also one of my concerns, is that she is only 24. She's still got a long way to go. She still has yet to discover many things in this world. She still has yet to experience a lot of things. I sometimes debate with myself that it is already the standard norm of marrying at the age of 24. At least it is not at the age of 20 or 21. But still. I can't seem to let go. Sometimes, I think that I might be only being bitter because I have always thought that I will be the first to get married. But no, because when my then boyfriend asked me to be with him, I refused. Because I know that I am not yet ready. Maybe, it is because I doubt that she is already ready for the married life. But of course, who am I to question her. Of all people, she is the only one who will know if she is already ready to face a new chapter of her life. I trust her to make right decisions. I know she will not enter into something that she is not prepared for. But, I'm worried. This piece of news just does not sit well with me.
I don't know, maybe I think too much. There are still too many things going on my mind, I don't know how to put everything in here. I don't even know how to continue, how to construct it. Maybe I will just blog the continuation later when I have already processed everything. This is just too much for me. Too much for me to handle, to process, and eventually say. Too many thoughts are swirling around my mind. Too many. But I know, eventually, things will clear up. I will be happy for her, when I am assured that she made the right decision. Its just that I still cannot process everything yet. I cannot seem to get myself to accept this, not yet. Maybe because, I am still in shock. When I recover, I trust that everything will turn out exactly how it should be.
Wait for my next entry. And hopefully, by the time I post the next entry, I have already gotten over the shock I'm in right now.
It was after thanking me that she dropped a bomb. Her boyfriend, of whom I never met, nor seen a picture of, has proposed marriage to her the night of her birthday. I was in awe. I cannot seem to process my feelings. I cannot seem to react. I don't know how to react. She has been my bestfriend for many years now. From our high school years, even up to now that we have separated ways. She decided to leave for Hong Kong, where she came from, after graduating from college. I was not surprised with that news because we have already talked about it a few times before. I have always been thinking of the day after her college degree. In a way, I already know that she will go back to Hong Kong to work. I was already prepared, by the time that she told me about this. I have never told her, and if ever I did, I don't think I said it in a very serious manner. When she was about to leave, I remember talking with her on the phone. My voice did not sound sad, nor was the conversation became dramatic. But inside, I cannot explain what I am feeling. Its a mix of sadness, worry, and fear. I feel sad because she, my bestfriend, is leaving me. I am sad that we won't be able to go to the mall together, celebrate our birthdays together, talk endlessly on the phone, things that we shared together. I am worried because she might not come back here and just stay there for good. I am worried that I might not see her again. I am scared of losing my bestfriend. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of being left behind.
You see, she is the sister that I never had. She is the friend that I know will stand by me always. She is the person that I know I can run to everytime. She is the only one whom I trust with everything. She is the one whom I know I can depend on. I am afraid of going through the walks of life, alone. She is the only person, my only friend, that even though we are not talking that much, and though many things had already transpired, and though its as if walls had been built between us, the moment we talk again, its as if nothing has changed. No space and time got between us. Its as if its only yesterday that we talked last.
When she told me about the proposal, my first reply is if she has accepted the proposal. When she said yes, I got confused on how to react. Everything is in a jumble. I did not expect her to get married before me. Just like what I said to her, I always thought that I will be the first to enter marriage. It has no negative connotation, but its just because, of the two of us, I am the one who is "crazy" when in love. I am the one who is ready to give up everything for love. Or at least I thought so. She has always been the one to prioritize her studies, her dreams, over relationships. She has always been very careful. I know of her dream. How she wanted to be a licensed accountant in Hong Kong. That is why I was surprised, and honestly, a little disappointed when I learned of the news. She has not yet reached her dream. She haven't even reached halfway yet. I think of how she will be able to reach her dream, especially when a child comes along. Besides, she has only been with this guy for nine months. I know that it is not right to base a relationship on how long you have been together, but still. I know she's an intelligent lady. In fact, sometimes, I feel envious of her intelligence. I trust her to make the right decisions. And always, at that. I know that she is not like me who make stupid decisions driven by passion.
Also one of my concerns, is that she is only 24. She's still got a long way to go. She still has yet to discover many things in this world. She still has yet to experience a lot of things. I sometimes debate with myself that it is already the standard norm of marrying at the age of 24. At least it is not at the age of 20 or 21. But still. I can't seem to let go. Sometimes, I think that I might be only being bitter because I have always thought that I will be the first to get married. But no, because when my then boyfriend asked me to be with him, I refused. Because I know that I am not yet ready. Maybe, it is because I doubt that she is already ready for the married life. But of course, who am I to question her. Of all people, she is the only one who will know if she is already ready to face a new chapter of her life. I trust her to make right decisions. I know she will not enter into something that she is not prepared for. But, I'm worried. This piece of news just does not sit well with me.
I don't know, maybe I think too much. There are still too many things going on my mind, I don't know how to put everything in here. I don't even know how to continue, how to construct it. Maybe I will just blog the continuation later when I have already processed everything. This is just too much for me. Too much for me to handle, to process, and eventually say. Too many thoughts are swirling around my mind. Too many. But I know, eventually, things will clear up. I will be happy for her, when I am assured that she made the right decision. Its just that I still cannot process everything yet. I cannot seem to get myself to accept this, not yet. Maybe because, I am still in shock. When I recover, I trust that everything will turn out exactly how it should be.
Wait for my next entry. And hopefully, by the time I post the next entry, I have already gotten over the shock I'm in right now.
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