Just friends

Sometimes we cannot avoid falling in love with our friend. And sometimes we also cannot force ourself to love our friend back the way he wanted us to. No. I am not in love with a friend of mine nor am I even in love. But I believe this is the story of Anita and Andy. Well, I do not know them in a personal level but as to what their friends say, and in fact almost the whole country knows about this "rumor", I think it is quite true.

I am talking about the late Anita Mui and her believed to be "love", Andy Lau. Yeah, the two great singers of the Canto Pop industry in Hong Kong. I was listening to old musics when I unearthed yet again a video of their duet of one of my favorite songs during my teenage years:



I cannot help feeling melancholic whenever I see this video or any video of the two of them. I have found so many other videos of the two of them and in each and every video, I can see, and cannot be denied that there's something in Anita's eyes whenever she looks at Andy or in general, whenever she is with him. I think that this song really is very suitable for the both of them to have a duet on. In every videos of them that I kind of rediscover, it was very clear that Anita has this unusual glow in her face that proves to me that she is indeed in love with Andy. Sadly, I do not see the same in Andy's face. Yes, I can see that he cares for her but I do not see anything else beside that. Sad, but one sided love and especially when your object of affection is your friend is bittersweet. My heart goes with Anita and I really really admire her for not avoiding Andy. They took care of each other until the end. And I admire both of them for that. But still, it really is sad that someone who loves that genuinely cannot be loved back.

Years after...

An ex of mine has been looking for me in the cyberspace. It was always a bad timing. Whenever he would send a PM to me, I'm always offline. So ang ending offline messages sa YM ko. Well, after two PM's I decided to PM back para lang matapos na. The last PM was just a simple hello and kamusta ka na. So I replied ok lang. Since I already deleted him sa friends' list ko sa YM I do not know kung online ba siya or hindi. A few minutes after nagreply siya, asking about my grandmother. After answering that question, he said "mag sorry ako sa'yo sa mga nagawa ko." And that "patawarin mo na lang ako." Well, I told him that if he really knows me then he should have known that I do not sow hatred in my heart and that if we are not meant to be then we are not. I cannot do anything about that. So i said, "go on with your life, don't worry. I have already forgiven you a long time ago. And I do not blame you for what happened to us." He said thanks for everything and I replied "the same goes with you". His last reply was "your welcome po".

So here's the thing, it has already been years since we last talked. And I feel that his sorry was long overdue that it is not necessary anymore. But then again, if his conscience is bothering him as what he said, then fine with me. Just so that his conscience will be at peace, I really do not blame him for what happened to us. Even at the very start I already knew that we are not going to end up together. And halfway through our relationship I knew that a breakup will be inevitable. Things go as planned. I believe that. He was brought to my life to teach me something and maybe also for him to learn something from me. I think and I hope that we both have learned whatever lesson that we ought to learn. If only to give meaning for what we had before.

And Again

I have been watching you from afar. Miles and miles afar. I can only look at you from a distance, and a great distance at that. I have always enjoyed your presence, satisfied with just your presence. It have been years ago since I first saw you and I already liked you. I was so fond of you ever since but time changed and suddenly we were separated for so long. It is only recently that I thought of you again, I do not understand perfectly but it suddenly happened. I guess you have always been in my heart and was summoned by my conscious, unconsciously. I looked for you, and I looked so hard. Then I found you. When I laid my eyes on your face once again, after so many years, I have realized that nothing has really changed. I still admire you. And that nobody has taken your place in my heart. While watching you, yet again, from afar, I found myself falling deeper and deeper to you. I would be drawn into your eyes and get drowned helplessly. I get hypnotized by your stares and charmed with your words. My heart palpitates every time you smile and I know that I want you to be mine. I tried to know more about you since I haven’t seen you for a long time. Guess how my heart broke when while gathering some information about you I saw a picture. A picture of you, holding hands, with your wife. I was crushed. I kind of expected it already though that you are married. But I guess I had held my hopes up that maybe, by some miracle, you are still single. That is even though I am sure that it will never be the two of us. While looking at these pictures, I cannot help but think that she's lucky to have you. I would die just to be in her shoes even for just a day. Oh, I am really crushed this time. I am desperate to be with you. I want those eyes of yours to look at mine, deeply. I want those warm smiles and charisma to work on me, and me alone. But I know it is not possible as you don't even know me. So yeah, it may sound stupid but that's the truth. My heart has been broken again… by Chow Yun Fat.

Endings.. Of happy or not

I finally found a copy of one of my favorite movies, Anna and the King. I watched the movie again and I must say it did not change how I feel towards it. I still love the love story between King Mongkut and Anna. I love the way how they look at each other, full of love and yet restrained by themselves, by tradition, by culture, and by politics. I melt when King Mongkut stares at Anna's eyes. I got swooned when King Mongkut held his hand at Anna for the waltz. All the hairs at the back of my neck stood up when King Mongkut let Anna walk inside the room first before him when he's about to tell her about the Burmese British fight. It made me want to reach out to him when he tried in vain to convince Anna to accept the ring and was frustrated when Anna rejected the gift. I can't help but smile everytime King Mongkut teases Anna ever so slightly. Its as if they are teenage lovers trying to hide their relationship from their parents. And I was disappointed when King Mongkut stopped himself from kissing Anna that night on the beach after reading President Abraham Lincoln's letter to the King. I got kilig for the nth time when King Mongkut tried to hide his smile when he saw Anna at the end of the long line of bowed down people when she returned to help the King on their journey to safety. I got kilig yet again when the King did nothing but stared and stared at Anna while on the boat that even the Head Wife understood what was going on between the King and the schoolteacher. I can't help but cry when King Mongkut held Anna's hands when they are about to dance their last dance. And it hurt even more when the King kissed the woman he loves' hand and placed it on his heart and leaned his cheek on Anna's forehead while they dance to the melody of their hearts. And then, after the movie, I realized that I fell in love with him.. the man behind King Mongkut. Also, I have once again proven to myself that it is indeed true. That not all love stories have happy endings. Sometimes not even True Love ends happily, and for this, I weep.

Haunting Me

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nitong mga huling linggo naiisip kita. Namimiss kita. At ang pinaka hindi ko matanggap ay naiiyak ako sa mga naiiisip ko. Alam kong tapos na ako sa'yo. Alam kong naka-moved on na ako. Pero ano ito? Thoughts of you are haunting me and I don't understand why. Pag naiisip kita, parang kahapon lang nangyari ang lahat. I still feel your arms around me. I can still hear your words of love echoing inside me. Minsan sumagi sa isip ko na baka you are my one true love. And then I thought "bullshit! You are not my true love. I have already moved on." Pero sa totoo lang, kapag ba naka moved on ka na sa isang past relationship, ibig bang sabihin noon hindi siya ang true love mo? Equivalent ba ng moving on ang kasiguraduhan na hindi siya ang true love mo?

Normal ba itong parte ng buhay, is this some kind of a bridge between phases of your life that while you are yearning for somebody else, at the same time you are also missing someone in your past? Or is this a perfect truth that you are in denial, and that you kept on going back to that person in your past because the one you are yearning for now cannot be yours and you are just afraid to face that truth because you don't want to feel rejected and be hurt again?

Don't Give Up On Us

Iyan ang pinapalabas sa TV kanina sa clinic nung sinamahan ko lola ko sa doctor kanina. Habang nanonood ako, naisip ko buti pa sa pelikula at palabas sa TV madalas sa hindi, alam mo na kung sino ang magkakatuluyan sa huli. Kapag ang mga tauhan ay magka-loveteam, kahit na sa umpisa ay meron na silang ibang kapartner, hindi maaaring sila ang magkatuluyan sa huli. Ang magka-loveteam pa rin ang magkakatuluyan.

Naisip ko, sana sa totoong buhay ganun din. Alam na kagad natin kung sino ang pangmatagalan at sino ang dadaan lang sa buhay natin. Sana puwedeng kapag may nakilala tayo at nakarelasyon, alam na natin kung siya ba ay dumating sa buhay natin para tayo ay turuan lang ng leksyon o panghabambuhay na siyang makakasama natin. Para kung sakali man na dumating ang panahon na magkakahiwalay kayo alam mo na kung dapat mo ba siyang iyakan ng husto o hahayaan mo na lang dahil alam mo nang hindi siya ang nakatakda para sa'yo.

Theme Songs

Nasa mall ako kanina, naghahanap ng makakainan bago ko ituloy ang gagawin ko. Paakyat ako ng escalator nang may marinig akong kanta. Nung una hindi ko pa masyadong marinig ng malinaw kung anong kanta ang tumutugtog, basta ang alam ko lang parang pamilyar ang ilang nota na naririnig ko. Nung finally medyo lumakas na ang tugtog, natauhan ako. "Everything You Do" pala yun. Theme song namin ni Mike. Nakakatawa lang dahil dati, not even once na narinig ko iyan sa kahit na saang lugar. Siguro kasi hindi naman iyon gaanong sumikat. Kaya nagulat na rin ako na narinig ko siya sa RP kanina. Although yung last phrase na lang ang narinig ko.

Isang bagay ang narealize ko. Kaya ko na nga siguro na marinig ang kanta na iyon nang hindi ako umiiyak. Ni kirot, wala akong naramdaman kanina. Hindi ko lang alam kung dahil ba iyon sa nagiisip ako ng makakainan nung marinig ko iyon o dahil sa talagang kaya ko na, o baka naman kasi last phrase lang naman ang narinig ko talaga. Hindi ko pa kasi nasusubukan na pakinggan ang theme songs namin para ma-test ko ang sarili ko kung ok na nga ba ako. Ito lang ang first time na napakinggan ko ang kanta namin at masaya ako na hindi ako naapektohan man lang. Sana nga ito ay dahil sa naka-move on na nga ako. :-)

Alone

Ito nanaman ang panahon na nakakaramdam ako ng pagiisa. Hindi ako nagdradrama dahil lang sa pagaasawa niya. Gusto ko na rin matahimik. Feeling ko naman naka-moved on na rin ako. Kaya ko nang marinig ang mga kanta na dati ay hindi ko pwedeng marinig dahil paiiyakin lang ako. Although, hindi ko pa naman sinasagad ang pagtest sa sarili ko. Hindi ko pa napapakinggan ang theme songs namin. Ayaw ko pa. Mahirap na. Baka magkamali ako. Baka mali ako. At ayoko nang bumalik sa dati kong nararamdaman. I just want to be okay. Ayoko nang balikan yung feeling that I dwelt on dati.

Pero bakit ganun, kung kelan akala ko na wala pala magiging problema kay BT, bakit parang hindi pala mangyayari ang gusto ko. Oo, sabi ko noon hindi ako hihiling ng higit pa sa kung anong nararanasan ko noon, pero iyon ay dahil sa inakala kong hindi na pwede. Pero ngayong alam ko nang pwede pala, bakit parang hindi mangyayari? Bakit parang hindi naman pala ganoon ang intensiyon na? Naguguluhan ako. May mga sinasabi siya, may mga parinig siya pero bakit wala pa ring kunkretong pangyayari? Nadaya ba ako ng mata ko, ng tenga ko, ng damdamin ko? Inakala ko lang ba ang lahat dahil sa kagustuhan kong maka-move on dati? Inimagine ko lang ba ang lahat dahil sa kagustuhan kong may mabalingan? Mali nanaman ba ako ng nabalingan ng atensiyon? Am I going to suffer again? Simula nanaman ba ng cycle? Tatawanan ko nanaman ba ang sarili ko at sasabihang tanga? Pagod na ako... Hindi ko naman siya hinanap. Hindi ko rin hiniling. Hindi ako ang nauna. Hindi ako. Siya ang dumating sa buhay ko. Siya ang unang nagpapansin. Siya ang unang nagpahiwatig. Mali nanaman ba ako? Mali nanaman ba ako?

*knock*

*knock*

"looking for love..."

Panakip Butas

Alam ko unfair para sa'yo kahit na wala kang kaalam-alam sa ginagawa ko. Sa'yo ako nagre-rely ng kaligayahan sa bawat araw. Ginagawa kitang panakip-butas. Unfair din ito sa akin, dahil alam kong niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko. Patunay ang nagdaang weekend. Umiyak ako dahil naiisip ko nanaman si Mike. Pero pinilit kong isipin ka para mabawasan ang lungkot ko. Pero hindi nakatulong. Masaya ako 'pag nakikita kita, pero mas nagiging masaya ako 'pag nakakausap kita. Umaabuso na actually. Dati, masaya na ako na makita ka lang. Tapos ang gusto ko na yung nagbabatian tayo. Ngayon, mas nagiging masaya na ako 'pag nakakausap kita. Pero alam mo, 'pag hindi kita nakikita, pilitin ko man ang sarili ko na maging masaya sa pamamagitan ng pag-iisip sa'yo, hindi ko magawa. Mas malakas pa rin ang epekto ni Mike. Dahil siya pa rin ang naiisip ko. At umiiyak pa rin ako 'pag naaalala ko siya.

Pero hanap-hanap kita araw-araw 'pag may pasok. Actually, muntik na akong pumunta dito nung Sabado. Para mag-shoot. At ang pinaka-importante, para makausap kita. Iniimagine ko, kung paano kaya kung magkaroon tayo ng pagkakataon na makapag-usap ng mas matagal. Ng tayo lang dalawa, ano kaya ang mga mapag-uusapan natin? Ano kaya ang mga malalaman ko tungkol sa'yo? Maaapektuhan kaya ako 'pag narinig ko na sa'yo na hindi ka na nga malaya? Sana may ganung araw noh? Sana mangyari yun, yung makausap kita ng tayong dalawa lang, ng matagal. Sana nga...

Namesake

Masaya ako. Nagkaroon na kasi ng pangalan ang mukha na parati kong hinahanap at nagpapasaya sa araw ko. Hindi ko alam ulit kung bakit ko naisipang bumaba kahapon sa Recreation Area ng almost 3PM na. Basta pakiramdam ko lang nandoon ka. Gusto ko ikwento dito ang buong pangyayari pero parang masyado namang mahaba. Basta ang hindi ko lang makalimutan ay ang ngiti at tawa mo. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit habang naguusap tayo sa may pool area, wala ka nang ibang ginawa kung hindi ngumiti ng ngumiti at tumawa ng tumawa. Kaya nga tinanong kita kung may dumi ba ako sa mukha o mukha ba akong clown eh. Hindi ko rin makalimutan yung tingin mo sa akin habang nasa hagdanan tayo. Ang lambing ng mga tingin na iyon. Nakakatunaw. Pero isang bagay ang hindi ko makalimutan at gumugulo sa isip ko. May suot kang singsing sa kanang kamay, sa little finger. Hindi ko maintindihan dahil gawa sa beads ito. Puti at transparent na beads ang "band" at ang pinaka tuktok ay may bulaklak na disenyo na gawa sa red and black beads. Ano ito? Pero hindi bale na, basta masaya ako.

Crush lang kita. Hanggang doon lang iyon.

At kung bakit naman pagbalik ko sa opisina ay nag-ym si Christine. Tapos ay ikaw ang sumagot sa akin. Tapos, pinapatanong mo kung saan ako nagtratrabaho at anong position ko. Bakit ka nagpaparamdam pag merong extraordinary na nangyayari sa amin ni Noel? Hindi ko alam kung nararamdaman mo ba iyon o nagkakataon lang. O meron bang gustong ipahiwatig sa akin ang Diyos o sinusubukan lang ako.

Basta ang alam ko lang ineenjoy ko lang ang buhay ko. Ineenjoy ko lang kung ano man ang nangyayari sa akin ngayon. Ineenjoy ko lang si Noel. Enjoy lang. Pero alam ko ang limitasyon ko. Mahal kita at crush ko siya. Kung ano man ang mangyayari sa mga susunod pang araw, hindi ko alam. Basta yung ngayon, enjoy ako. Masaya ako. Tini-treasure ko.

Happy Birthday!

Maraming salamat sa'yo. Binati mo ako nung 14. Late man ng isang araw, masaya ako. Salamat sa pagkumpleto mo sa birthday ko. Hindi ko alam kung alam mo, o kung nararamdaman mo pero yung isang bati mo na iyon, nahigitan ang kung ilang pagbati na natanggap ko noong 13. Kung meron man akong narealize noong araw na iyon, eh siguro kung ano ka sa akin.

Tanong ko nga kay Prime, bakit 'pag kay Boy Toy, kinikilig ako. Pero bakit 'pag ikaw nanlalamig ang mga palad ko, nanginginig ang mga kamay ko at nagpapalpitate ang puso ko? Simple lang ang sagot ni Prime, Iba talaga 'pag mahal mo. So I guess all my efforts are going to waste? Pero 'wag kang magalala, hindi ko babaunin ang bati mo na iyon. Sapat na yung isang araw lang na iyon. Tama na na naging masaya ako nung mismong araw na iyon. Hindi ko pwedeng dibdibin ang mga sinabi mo para hindi ako umasa at maghintay sa wala. Para hindi ako masaktan. Salamat sa isang araw. Salamat sa pagbati.

Pangako by Kindred Garden

Pusong Ligaw by Jericho Rosales

Birthday

Birthday ko ngayon.. hindi mo ako binati.. I kept on hoping na sana maalala mo man lang akong batiin kahit na alam kong hindi mo gagawin. Akala ko, tuwing that time of the month lang kita naalala dahil sa hormones. Pero alam mo, kahit ngayon, namimiss kita. Naaalala kita. Kahit na may Boy Toy na.. alam mo ba na ikaw pa rin? Kahit na pinipilit kong maging ok na, alam mo ba naiisip pa rin kita? Umiiyak ako ngayon.. kasi gusto ko tayo pa rin. Kasi gusto ko maging masaya kasama ka. Sana may lakas ako ng loob na ipabasa sa iyo ang mga nandito. Pero naisip ko, kung ipabasa ko nga sa'yo 'to.. may mababago ba? Babalikan mo ba ako? O deadma lang? Alam mo, masakit pa rin kahit na isang taon na ang nakakalipas. Kahit na meron nang Boy Toy. Akala ko maloloko ko sarili ko na ok na ako 'pag nadivert na ang atensyon ko. But guess what? I had the shock of my life when I realized that I am still craving for "us". May kirot pa rin sa puso ko.. Masakit pa rin. Ibig ba sabihin noon, mahal pa rin kita despite of all my efforts? Niloloko ko lang ba ang sarili ko na kaya kong maka-move on?

Sabi ko kanina, ayaw kong malungkot, kasi birthday ko. Sabi ko kanina ayaw kong umiyak kasi birthday ko. Pero malungkot ako ngayon.. Umiiyak ako.. kasi birthday ko... At wala ka sa tabi ko.

Mahal pa rin kita.. Tayo na lang ulit?

Miss kita

Namimiss nanaman kita. Umiiyak nanaman ako. Hindi ko nga alam kung hormonal change lang ba itong nararanasan ko eh. Minsan may mga gabi na ayaw ko matulog kasi kapag nakahiga na ako naiisip kita. Kapag wala akong ginagawa, my mind would always wander towards you. Kapag mag-isa na lang ako sa kwarto ko, ang lungkot. Sobrang lungkot. Noong tayo pa kasi, sa tuwing magkausap tayo sa cellphone, nakahiga ako sa kama. Bihira kitang kausap na wala ako sa loob ng kwarto. Kaya alam mo kung anong ginagawa ko para hindi ko maramdaman yung lungkot? Gabi-gabi, iniimagine ko katabi kita sa pagtulog. Tulad ng "ginagawa" natin noon. Nagkukunwari tayo na magkatabi tayong matutulog. Ganon pa rin ang ginagawa ko ngayon. Nagkukunwari, nag-i-imagine na katabi kita at kayakap mo akong matutulog. Doon lang kasi kita puwedeng makasama, sa isip ko lang.

Bilog Ang Mundo

Naalala ko noon, nung bata pa ako, hindi ko kailangan mangulit o humingi man lang ng kahit na ano. Titigan ko lang ang isang laruan sa mall, o hipuin ko lang ang isang bestida sa department store, bibilhin na kaagad at iaabot na lang sa akin.

Ibang-iba sa pinagdadaanan ko ngayon.

Ilang beses na akong nagmamakaawa sa Diyos. Ilang beses na akong nakiusap sa Kaniya pero hindi pa rin Niya ako pinagbibigyan. Ngayon ko napatunayan, kahit pala maraming hindi magagandang nasasabi tungkol sa ex ko ang mga tao, mahal ko pala siya. At bale-wala pala talaga sa akin ang mga puna nila.

Oo, kahit pa sabihin nila na bakla ka. At sabihin mo sa akin na naguguluhan ka na parang nag-a-identity crisis ka, mahal kita.

Mahal pa rin kita. Sana alam mo yun.

Kahit ano ka pa, mahal kita. At tanggap kita. Sana bumalik ka na sa akin. Mahal na mahal kasi kita. Hindi ko magawang lubos na maging masaya.

Dahil wala ka. Balik ka na sa akin please.

I Secretly Pray..

I just read the three installments of 'Unconditional Love' articles by Joanne Rae Ramirez in her column in The Philippine Star, People. The articles brought tears to my eyes. I know this will sound absurd and maybe sound too crazy but I can only relate to myself. To what happened to my relationship. I know I cannot compare to what the people in the articles have done because mine can be too petty. He was just my boyfriend with whom I didn't even have shared years with. But I love him just the same. I say love because up until now the love I have given him the first time around has never yet ended. I also say the first time because the relationship, has started and ended more than once.

Beyond the words, I would make him feel my love. I will give him time unrestrained. But in the end, nothing has saved the relationship. Not my love, not his love, not the time, not the space. The relationship has gone. Slipped very far way. Flew as high as the clouds. It is not mine to hold. It is not mine to cherish. But up until now, crazy, silly, non sense, wrong may it be, I still love him the way that I love him before. I do not expect things to change. I do not expect happiness to turn around. I do not expect happy ending. My belief of such happy endings has already ceased after what has tranversed. The belief has remained only a relief.

Inside my heart even if I try my best to cover it, even to the point that I am already fooling myself, I secretly pray for him to turn around. I secretly pray that he will once again be mine. I secretly pray that I would be able to hear his voice again whispering I love you to me. I secretly pray that I would glance at my cellphone only to see his text saying how much he misses me. I secretly pray that 'honey'will not stab my heart anymore. I secretly pray that romantic flicks will not make me cry anymore. I secretly pray that I do not have to be sarcastic about love anymore.

In the end, I secretly pray that he and I will be US again, till the end of time.

Gestures of Love

I was watching TV last night. Actually I was watching Boys Over Flowers, the Korean version of Meteor Garden (remember the chinovela that prompted people to "sing" chinese song even if its only "oh baby baby..." that they can say). Well, while watching it, a thought came to mind.

When loving, is it the gestures of grandeur or the little sincere ones that proves to the person you love how much you love him/her? Is it the fireworks, the sky writing, carpet of red roses, chopper sightseeing that weighs more? Or is it the shoulder to cry on, the hand that wipes your tears, the joke that makes you laugh, and the gaze that makes you feel okay that matters more?

We get kilig when someone organizes fireworks for us. We get overwhelmed when shown the carpet of red roses. But for the shoulder that would always lets you lean and cry on, and the laughter brought by the joke when the world crashed on you.. do they matter less?

That's Jun Pyo and Ji Hoo, you guys.

But come to think of it, even the young master Jun Pyo also mellowed down to the small but sincere acts of love. His sacrifice of avoiding Jan Di and hurts inside. His sacrifice of calling Ji Hoo to take care of Jan Di and cries alone. That is love. Even if he is pushing Jan Di away when in fact he would ask his secretary to update him of happenings in Jan Di's life, it is love.

Of the hundreds of things each and every character in Boys Over Flowers did for love, it all boils down to a single bottom line. To love is to sacrifice. To love is to be selfless.

We get crazy about love and love makes us crazy. But even if, we always welcome it with open arms.

So my friends, for whom would you give your heart, to the Casanova? or to the Knight in Shining Armor?

Playing Strong Yet Alone

Paano nga ba kung hindi ka makalimot? Paano nga ba kung nagiisa ka?

Walang nakakaintindi sa akin. Dahil kahit ako, hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko. Minsan naaawa ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ako naiintindihan ng mga tao. Not even my friends. Ang nakakainis kahit na anong paliwanag ang gawin ko, hindi pa rin nila ako maintindihan. Yung iba, hinuhusgahan pa ako. Hindi ko pinipilit na intindihan nila ako. Pero sana huwag din nila akong husgahan.

Ang hirap. Kahit na ilang beses mong sabihin na ayaw mo na. Ang totoo, ganun pa rin. Wala ka naman mababago eh. Wala ka naman mapapalitan. Walang pwedeng idagdag, at lalong walang pwedeng ibawas. Hindi naman mahirap kung tutuusin. Lahat naman may paraan. Pero paano kung ginawa mo na ang mga dapat mo gawin pero wala pa rin nagbabago. Hindi pa rin binibigay ang gusto mong makuha. Paano kung pinipilit mo na pero talo ka pa rin?

Parang wala nang pagasa. Pero alam kong mangyayari din. Alam ko mababago rin. Pero kung kailan? Hindi ko alam. Kahit kailan hindi ko malalaman. Iyan ang problema ko. Iyan ang hinagpis ko. Sana madaan sa dasal. Sana madaan sa pakiusap. Hindi ako humihingi ng milagro. Hindi rin ako humihingi ng kalabisan. Hiling ko lang na matapos na ito. Yun lang.

Power of Love

People say "believe in the power of love". Love conquers all as what I believe. But now, as love has done to me, love does not conquer all. In fact it does not conquer anything at all. It is powerless. It cannot do anything great. But at the same time, it is powerful. Powerful in a negative way. It is a very powerful destruction. It crushes you. It shuts you off. It hurts you deeply. It stabs you. It dissolves your personality. It drains you of your sanity. It snaps you from reality and fly you to heaven, only to drop you off from the sky. It picks you up from the ground only to bury you six-feet under. It puts you together, only to bomb you into mongrel pieces.

As powerful love may seem, it cannot conquer everything. For me, it cannot conquer anything at all. It is weak dealing with long distances, only freed itself when miles away. It is helpless when attacked, leaving you wounded. It is a coward when fighting, just letting him go even if you still can do something. It shuns away from the person you love, avoiding to be hurt. Does everything in its power then gives up and run away.

If love really is powerful, in a positive way, then I wouldn't be lonely now. If love can conquer everything, I would not be hurting now. I would have been happy now.. with him. I still love him, yes. I still damn love him. And fuck this shit called love, powerless, and useless. Can do nothing to make him stay. Can do nothing to bring us together. I miss him. Everyday. And I can't be saved by Love. I am left with nothing. I am left empty. Empty of him. Just full of misery.