Poem #3 9/28/11

Ode to Sayuri

Life's been harsh,

since you were young.

Still you're lucky

when true love you've found.

I were with you every step you took,

'till to the Chairman, you brought yourself close.

I cried with you from the old theater,

but after Cruel Rain, I felt better.

Though I feared the tears are Pumpkin's,

comfort came when you were caught sleeping.

How I wish to find my Chairman,

I wonder when will my shaved ice cherry finally come.



(inspired by Memoirs of a Geisha)

Poem #2 9/28/11

Across the park walks a couple,

thought they brought with them a parasol.

Remembered Japan as they hobble,

with this weather it is possible.

Though its just because of a geisha's memoirs,

I can still feel Sayuri's remorse.

It only proves I don't just read,

my soul also these books feed.

Poem #1 9/28/11

It was most of the times troublesome.

Half of tis existence, problematic.

It was before the envy of many.

It is now jealous and envious.

It was happy and gay during its tender years.

Now cries and sobs it only hears.

Then, it hopes for luxuries.

Now it yearns for peace.

Before it wishes for more.

Today it wants less.

Less chaos.

Less conflicts.

Less obstacles --my life.

Of Human and Animals

I have just finished watching "Marley and Me" and I felt this urge to blog about it. Well, not about the movie, but the experience. Because boy, I cried a liter. I did not really cry that much but I trust that if I went to sleep this instant, my eyes would be very sore tomorrow morning. You judge how much did I cry. 

I do not have a pet in the present and it has been years since I last had one. We have taken different kinds of pets when I was a child. We have had goldfish, rabbit, lovebirds, and my most loved, a dog. If my mind does not fail me, that dog, Boomer, was a Pomeranian breed. I did not even know anything about breeds not until I was already in college when I knew little things about it. Since internet can pretty much give you a lecture on dog breeds, I soon found out that Boomer was indeed a Pomeranian, mix bred or not, that much I cannot tell anymore. Of the years that we have shared, Boomer and I, I only managed to have two pictures of us together, and as of the moment, I have managed to keep only one. If I'm not mistaken, I believe that the other one I submitted as a school assignment and well, never got it back. Boomer and I were not so close. Well, what do you expect with someone who was not allowed to play with dogs as a measure of safety, due to over protectiveness. But we had some moments of bonding: I have rubbed his head, petted him, played a little with him. But I never really got to cuddle him and hug him that much. 

I got home one night hearing nothing after I pressed the doorbell which is unbelievable since Boomer always, never fails, to bark loudly whenever someone presses our doorbell. I rushed my way up the stairs and walked directly to the terrace where he was and knocked on the door, loudly calling his name. At first nobody told me anything. But after a while, they finally told me the truth. I cannot really remember the pain now, nor can I recall how I felt or said when they told me Boomer has died. Everything about the immediate moment after telling me what happened was a haze now. But one thing that I vividly recall until now is how much I cried. I cried my eyes out and threw a tantrum. I cannot be pacified then.

I know for a fact that I cannot really say that I am an animal lover, but I know that I do not want them to hurt either. In movies, TV programs, stories, where animals are involved, I always cry whenever these animals are put into tests, when they get hurt, abused physically or verbally, and of course, when they die. I can still remember how much I cried while watching Free Willy. I cried too while watching Babe, and I cried a lot still  with Andre, heck, I even cried for Godzilla. So even though these are animals, not to mention only movies, I still feel for them. Because to me, once you had them as your pets, or if you have somehow formed an acquaintance with them it does not really matter that they cannot talk and think like you. And that sometimes you don't even get their point, but nevertheless, they touch you. They comfort you, and they love you. And most importantly, you loved them. So these pets, even not humans, you treat them as a part of your family. When it is time for them to leave you, they leave a huge empty spot in your heart. You lose a part of yourself with them, and at the end of the day, you will admit that they are not just animals nor pets, they are family.

Just friends

Sometimes we cannot avoid falling in love with our friend. And sometimes we also cannot force ourself to love our friend back the way he wanted us to. No. I am not in love with a friend of mine nor am I even in love. But I believe this is the story of Anita and Andy. Well, I do not know them in a personal level but as to what their friends say, and in fact almost the whole country knows about this "rumor", I think it is quite true.

I am talking about the late Anita Mui and her believed to be "love", Andy Lau. Yeah, the two great singers of the Canto Pop industry in Hong Kong. I was listening to old musics when I unearthed yet again a video of their duet of one of my favorite songs during my teenage years:



I cannot help feeling melancholic whenever I see this video or any video of the two of them. I have found so many other videos of the two of them and in each and every video, I can see, and cannot be denied that there's something in Anita's eyes whenever she looks at Andy or in general, whenever she is with him. I think that this song really is very suitable for the both of them to have a duet on. In every videos of them that I kind of rediscover, it was very clear that Anita has this unusual glow in her face that proves to me that she is indeed in love with Andy. Sadly, I do not see the same in Andy's face. Yes, I can see that he cares for her but I do not see anything else beside that. Sad, but one sided love and especially when your object of affection is your friend is bittersweet. My heart goes with Anita and I really really admire her for not avoiding Andy. They took care of each other until the end. And I admire both of them for that. But still, it really is sad that someone who loves that genuinely cannot be loved back.

I will never be enough

I know I am not the best. And I know that I never will be. I'm doing my best but my best is never good enough. I will always be compared with my friends and I will always fall short. Whilst my friends are very different from me, they may be much better than me. And yet, there's only one thing that I did that they have not done. I never left the family, not for a better opportunity not even for love. They will always compare me with my friends and they will always prevail. But what they have not realized is that I have sacrificed myself for them. I turned down what supposed to be a new chapter in my life for them and yet it is not enough. I am not good enough for them despite all. I will never be enough. Or maybe it's just wrong of me to forsake my own happiness and stayed with them instead of living my own life, calling my own shots?!

Golds at Dusk

Golds at Dusk

Alone with my thoughts,
staring into horizon.
I found nuggets,
shimmering and shining.
Amidst jades,
are there golds.

While sky is dimming,
your rays are dancing.
Who would have guessed,
your importance is less.
But you are to me,
the best you got to be.

~March 9, 2011. watching lamps hung in trees at the Luneta Park

Past Baby

So I was happily starting my day, brewing my morning coffee and signing in in social networking sites when I saw IT. I was browsing posts after posts from friends and there it was. In plain view and impossible to ignore, baby pictures... my ex's. Yeah I know I'm over him but when I saw from whose album those pictures belong to, I felt...weird. I have known all along that his partner is pregnant but I guess I never expected to see the baby, one very ordinary day. I just have not imagined seeing the baby this soon. Well, I know that it's not because I am still bitter over what happened to our relationship but maybe it's because... fuck. Okay. It is because I am nowhere close to being single and fabulous; and yet he has already achieved his ultimate dream of having his own family, especially, having a son at that. So yeah, maybe I am bitter but not because we broke up but because he is doing well and I'm not. I know that this way of thinking is not acceptable but hell, what do I care. I just don't want to look like a joke, or someone to take pity of. Damn it, the main reason why I did not accept his request to be one of my friends in these social networking sites is exactly because of situations like this. And yet, having mutual friends, I cannot really escape the ugly reality, can I?

Just babbling

So yeah, its that kind of moment again when I want to blog but have nothing to blog about (or too much to blog that I don't know which to blog first). I just feel like blogging and yeah, I know this is fast becoming a rant than a blog. Anyway, I do not care since this is my blog and I have every right to write anything that I want. Well, have you ever felt sad, very melancholy without knowing why? Its like a very sad feeling just overcame you and you cannot fathom why. That kind of feeling has been haunting me for quite some time now. I mean there are days that I suddenly feel very lonely. I know that I am carrying and handling a lot nowadays but for some reasons I cannot understand, I somehow know that these problems are not the cause of my sadness. Weird. But I think I'm a little bit scared. I am scared that this is a symptom of depression. I am a very emotional person and I know that depression has been an arm-reach for me for the longest time. I just hope that depression will not eventually wash over me.

Today marks the beginning of the Holy Week and for everything that has happened in my life I think this will be a different Holy Week for me. I just hope that I can find it in me to do what I ought to do this Lenten season. Nevertheless, I will do my best.

Years after...

An ex of mine has been looking for me in the cyberspace. It was always a bad timing. Whenever he would send a PM to me, I'm always offline. So ang ending offline messages sa YM ko. Well, after two PM's I decided to PM back para lang matapos na. The last PM was just a simple hello and kamusta ka na. So I replied ok lang. Since I already deleted him sa friends' list ko sa YM I do not know kung online ba siya or hindi. A few minutes after nagreply siya, asking about my grandmother. After answering that question, he said "mag sorry ako sa'yo sa mga nagawa ko." And that "patawarin mo na lang ako." Well, I told him that if he really knows me then he should have known that I do not sow hatred in my heart and that if we are not meant to be then we are not. I cannot do anything about that. So i said, "go on with your life, don't worry. I have already forgiven you a long time ago. And I do not blame you for what happened to us." He said thanks for everything and I replied "the same goes with you". His last reply was "your welcome po".

So here's the thing, it has already been years since we last talked. And I feel that his sorry was long overdue that it is not necessary anymore. But then again, if his conscience is bothering him as what he said, then fine with me. Just so that his conscience will be at peace, I really do not blame him for what happened to us. Even at the very start I already knew that we are not going to end up together. And halfway through our relationship I knew that a breakup will be inevitable. Things go as planned. I believe that. He was brought to my life to teach me something and maybe also for him to learn something from me. I think and I hope that we both have learned whatever lesson that we ought to learn. If only to give meaning for what we had before.

CYF again

Why is it that whenever I think of you, I can feel my heart breaking all over again? Guess I really like you, huh? (Or is it want?) Shucks. Its like first love again. I really envy her for having you. I'm desperate to have you, CYF. It makes me envious whenever I read the captions of your pictures together. It's just so sweet to read Mr. and Mrs. CYF in the captions. :-(

女人花 MV

女人花

I have been bumming around the house the other night and out of sheer pleasure, I started playing videos in YouTube. I have been revisiting my old favorites of Chinese songs and got a very overwhelming experience feeling all the memories attached to each songs rush back to me. Today, trying to recreate that ambiance here in the office, I played a long series of old favorites again. Unearthing from YouTube's database, I found the late Hong Kong super star, "Asia's Madonna", Anita Mui's music videos. Selecting a handful of her songs that I really love, I created a playlist of her songs.

One particular song out of the hundreds that I have played stood out distinctively. The moment its few notes played out, I got shivers and a very warm, fuzzy feeling all over. The feeling is just astonishing and at the same time unbearable. I haven't felt anything like that before and its just like magic. Its like she is singing directly to me. Its like the song was written just for me exclusively and that it is to be consumed by me and me only. Just a little before the chorus part, I find the song very familiar and thought I already heard it before, way way before. I looked at the title of the song and realized that the song title is also very familiar to me. In fact I think I already heard the song before and planned on having a copy of it. I have a habit of writing down titles of those songs that I really love in the hope of someday I would have my own copy of that. I think this song is on that list of mine.

The song's title is 女人花 or when directly translated, Woman Flower. I love how this song touches my soul. I love how I feel like crying even though I have listened to it a number of times already today. I feel like it is touching my heart and moving me to the extreme. It is really very moving. I cannot possibly describe exactly how it can give me that kind of feeling but it is really superb. The melody matches Anita's low, soulful voice perfectly. I think this is one of her songs that seems like to be tailored-fit to her. At the same time, I cannot help but feel bad that she is not longer here to touch me with her new creations. She is a very big loss to the industry and to people who love her craft. In case you do not know yet, she can not only sing but she can also act. Oh yes, the girl can really act. Her movie "Rouge" opposite Leslie Cheung, who I also love watching, which got her that major award is really good. I have watched it when I was a child and I really admire her although I cannot say that I understood the movie completely, I can feel the emotions surging through me. It really is a pity that Anita Mui has already left us. I know that no one will surpass her. Both her craft, and her achievements.

As you can see, the title of this post is simply Anita's song title and it is because I cannot think of anything that I can use that will give justification to the song. No words can really describe how I perceive it to be.

And Again

I have been watching you from afar. Miles and miles afar. I can only look at you from a distance, and a great distance at that. I have always enjoyed your presence, satisfied with just your presence. It have been years ago since I first saw you and I already liked you. I was so fond of you ever since but time changed and suddenly we were separated for so long. It is only recently that I thought of you again, I do not understand perfectly but it suddenly happened. I guess you have always been in my heart and was summoned by my conscious, unconsciously. I looked for you, and I looked so hard. Then I found you. When I laid my eyes on your face once again, after so many years, I have realized that nothing has really changed. I still admire you. And that nobody has taken your place in my heart. While watching you, yet again, from afar, I found myself falling deeper and deeper to you. I would be drawn into your eyes and get drowned helplessly. I get hypnotized by your stares and charmed with your words. My heart palpitates every time you smile and I know that I want you to be mine. I tried to know more about you since I haven’t seen you for a long time. Guess how my heart broke when while gathering some information about you I saw a picture. A picture of you, holding hands, with your wife. I was crushed. I kind of expected it already though that you are married. But I guess I had held my hopes up that maybe, by some miracle, you are still single. That is even though I am sure that it will never be the two of us. While looking at these pictures, I cannot help but think that she's lucky to have you. I would die just to be in her shoes even for just a day. Oh, I am really crushed this time. I am desperate to be with you. I want those eyes of yours to look at mine, deeply. I want those warm smiles and charisma to work on me, and me alone. But I know it is not possible as you don't even know me. So yeah, it may sound stupid but that's the truth. My heart has been broken again… by Chow Yun Fat.

Endings.. Of happy or not

I finally found a copy of one of my favorite movies, Anna and the King. I watched the movie again and I must say it did not change how I feel towards it. I still love the love story between King Mongkut and Anna. I love the way how they look at each other, full of love and yet restrained by themselves, by tradition, by culture, and by politics. I melt when King Mongkut stares at Anna's eyes. I got swooned when King Mongkut held his hand at Anna for the waltz. All the hairs at the back of my neck stood up when King Mongkut let Anna walk inside the room first before him when he's about to tell her about the Burmese British fight. It made me want to reach out to him when he tried in vain to convince Anna to accept the ring and was frustrated when Anna rejected the gift. I can't help but smile everytime King Mongkut teases Anna ever so slightly. Its as if they are teenage lovers trying to hide their relationship from their parents. And I was disappointed when King Mongkut stopped himself from kissing Anna that night on the beach after reading President Abraham Lincoln's letter to the King. I got kilig for the nth time when King Mongkut tried to hide his smile when he saw Anna at the end of the long line of bowed down people when she returned to help the King on their journey to safety. I got kilig yet again when the King did nothing but stared and stared at Anna while on the boat that even the Head Wife understood what was going on between the King and the schoolteacher. I can't help but cry when King Mongkut held Anna's hands when they are about to dance their last dance. And it hurt even more when the King kissed the woman he loves' hand and placed it on his heart and leaned his cheek on Anna's forehead while they dance to the melody of their hearts. And then, after the movie, I realized that I fell in love with him.. the man behind King Mongkut. Also, I have once again proven to myself that it is indeed true. That not all love stories have happy endings. Sometimes not even True Love ends happily, and for this, I weep.

Pissed off!

Masaya tayo kanina, nung tayo palang. Pero, hindi ko alam kung napansin mo na nung dumating siya, nagbago ang mood ko. Nakangiti ako sa'yo kanina pagdating ko pero nung pumasok siya, automatic ang pagsimangot ko. I caught you ogling at her. Tsk tsk tsk. Lalaki ka talaga. Para akong tanga noh? Ako yung masyadong apektado. Pero ang totoo, hindi naman dapat. Ewan ko ba, sa tuwing makikita ko siya at maririnig ko ang boses niya, nabubuwisit ako. Naiinis ako. Nanggigigil ako. Siguro kasi... wala. Hindi ko alam kung bakit talaga. Ni wala akong sigurong dahilan na maisagot. Naiinis ako sa ginawa niyang pagpuwesto kanina. Naiirita ako. Sana dumating na yung isa para matapos na ang kalokohang ginagawa niya.

Hindi ko alam how to put into words ang lahat ng laman ng dibdib ko. Sana maramdaman mo na tuwing pupuntahan kita at nandoon siya, iba ang pakikitungo ko sa'yo. Nakayuko lang ako, hindi kita tinitingnan at kinakausap. Nagiiwan lang ako ng mga notes sa'yo. Ayaw ko kasing nangingialam siya eh. Ewan, feeling ko, para tayong may sikreto na sa atin lang. Pero ang totoo alam kong sinasabi mo rin sa kaniya. Minsan nga tinitingnan pa niya kung ano ang laman ng notes ko eh. Dun ako lalong naiinis.

Kanina, sinabi mo sa kaniya "mabait ako na bata". Nginitian kita, tumawa ka at siya. Pero ang hindi mo alam, masakit 'yon. At least nalaman kong "bata" lang ako.

Tama na.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nagkakaganito. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako naiinis kapag magkasama kayo. Gusto ko parati lang kitang nakikita. Ayaw kong mawala ka sa paningin ko lalo na kung alam kong siya ang kasama mo. Shet. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa akin. Mas gusto ko na ang kasama mo eh yung dapat mong kasama. Hindi siya. Sino ba kasi siya di ba. Alam kong friendly ka pero parang hindi na tama. Hindi lang ako ang nakakahalata. May iba ring nakakapansin. Ano ba ang problema mo?! Hindi na tama, alam mo ba.

Nakakainis lang lalo na apektado ako kahit na hindi naman dapat. Ni hindi ko alam kung bakit ako ang nagrereact eh pareho lang naman kaming walang karapatan. Alam ko kung ano ang tingin mo sa akin at naisip ko na rin na baka mapalitan niya ako sa mga mata mo. Pero yun nga lang ba ang dahilan? Alam mo ba, na ikaw ang gusto kong gawing basehan? Iba ka kasi eh, almost perfect. Sana yung may karapatang sumama sa'yo, dumating na. Kung ano-ano na kasi ang naglalaro sa isip ko pag itong isa ang kasama mo eh. Hindi na maganda. Baka mawala ang respeto ko sa'yo.

Left

A new year has begun. It never occurred to me but I enjoyed the new year's eve celebration and the new year activities. A part of me is sad because I do not know if at the end of this new year will still be this happy but I know that I cannot dwell on negativity on the onset of a new year, right? So I just enjoyed the feeling of happiness. We watched the fireworks from my room's terrace and then had some story telling. The next day, we went to MOA and we had a blast, with my mother. I am having a good start. I think I can say that. And I want to be able to continue this positivity all throughout the year and on the succeeding years of my life.

Happy 2011!