The Pretender

People always thought I am lucky. Lucky because I do not have anything to worry about. Lucky because I do not appear in need of anything, to them.. One thing that they don't know.. I am a Pretender. It is not true that I don't have anything to worry about. It is certainly not true that I am not in need of anything. Does anyone know that I am empty? Has anyone looked deeply in my eyes and see the emptiness? None. Why? Because I am a pretender. Laughing heartily is one of my hobby, side by side with crying. But has anyone ever noticed that my laughters are just too loud, too happy? And has anyone ever noticed that my laugh is covering the pain inside? None. Because I am a pretender. When I talk, I talk lively, entertainingly. But no. It is untrue. Not the stories, but the way I present it to people. The liveliness is forced. The entertainment is a show. But all of it were appreciated. Because I am a pretender.

I pretend to be strong. I pretend to be okay. I pretend to be so full of life. The truth? I am crushed. I am empty. I am hurt. All of it were pretensions. And I have already mastered it. Nobody can look past me. Nobody. But myself. I often find myself pretending to other people and even force to pretend to myself. But the honesty of my heart cannot just possibly fool myself. I did my best to hide my own feelings from myself. But how can I succeed if for every pretension, and effort I make to force myself to be okay, I feel thorns. Thorns that deeply etch themselves on my heart. How can I force myself to be okay if every time I look at the mirror, I can see through my eyes the heaviness of my heart?

Sometimes, I want to fly. To be free. To be just oblivious of everything. Sometimes, I pray. And I cry. But at the end of each day, I know, I am still empty. I am still not healed. And yet, I have to prepare because tomorrow, tomorrow the show must go on.


The curtain is up, the audience claps, and waits for another great show from the master... The Star...


The Pretender.