Of Human and Animals

I have just finished watching "Marley and Me" and I felt this urge to blog about it. Well, not about the movie, but the experience. Because boy, I cried a liter. I did not really cry that much but I trust that if I went to sleep this instant, my eyes would be very sore tomorrow morning. You judge how much did I cry. 

I do not have a pet in the present and it has been years since I last had one. We have taken different kinds of pets when I was a child. We have had goldfish, rabbit, lovebirds, and my most loved, a dog. If my mind does not fail me, that dog, Boomer, was a Pomeranian breed. I did not even know anything about breeds not until I was already in college when I knew little things about it. Since internet can pretty much give you a lecture on dog breeds, I soon found out that Boomer was indeed a Pomeranian, mix bred or not, that much I cannot tell anymore. Of the years that we have shared, Boomer and I, I only managed to have two pictures of us together, and as of the moment, I have managed to keep only one. If I'm not mistaken, I believe that the other one I submitted as a school assignment and well, never got it back. Boomer and I were not so close. Well, what do you expect with someone who was not allowed to play with dogs as a measure of safety, due to over protectiveness. But we had some moments of bonding: I have rubbed his head, petted him, played a little with him. But I never really got to cuddle him and hug him that much. 

I got home one night hearing nothing after I pressed the doorbell which is unbelievable since Boomer always, never fails, to bark loudly whenever someone presses our doorbell. I rushed my way up the stairs and walked directly to the terrace where he was and knocked on the door, loudly calling his name. At first nobody told me anything. But after a while, they finally told me the truth. I cannot really remember the pain now, nor can I recall how I felt or said when they told me Boomer has died. Everything about the immediate moment after telling me what happened was a haze now. But one thing that I vividly recall until now is how much I cried. I cried my eyes out and threw a tantrum. I cannot be pacified then.

I know for a fact that I cannot really say that I am an animal lover, but I know that I do not want them to hurt either. In movies, TV programs, stories, where animals are involved, I always cry whenever these animals are put into tests, when they get hurt, abused physically or verbally, and of course, when they die. I can still remember how much I cried while watching Free Willy. I cried too while watching Babe, and I cried a lot still  with Andre, heck, I even cried for Godzilla. So even though these are animals, not to mention only movies, I still feel for them. Because to me, once you had them as your pets, or if you have somehow formed an acquaintance with them it does not really matter that they cannot talk and think like you. And that sometimes you don't even get their point, but nevertheless, they touch you. They comfort you, and they love you. And most importantly, you loved them. So these pets, even not humans, you treat them as a part of your family. When it is time for them to leave you, they leave a huge empty spot in your heart. You lose a part of yourself with them, and at the end of the day, you will admit that they are not just animals nor pets, they are family.

Just friends

Sometimes we cannot avoid falling in love with our friend. And sometimes we also cannot force ourself to love our friend back the way he wanted us to. No. I am not in love with a friend of mine nor am I even in love. But I believe this is the story of Anita and Andy. Well, I do not know them in a personal level but as to what their friends say, and in fact almost the whole country knows about this "rumor", I think it is quite true.

I am talking about the late Anita Mui and her believed to be "love", Andy Lau. Yeah, the two great singers of the Canto Pop industry in Hong Kong. I was listening to old musics when I unearthed yet again a video of their duet of one of my favorite songs during my teenage years:



I cannot help feeling melancholic whenever I see this video or any video of the two of them. I have found so many other videos of the two of them and in each and every video, I can see, and cannot be denied that there's something in Anita's eyes whenever she looks at Andy or in general, whenever she is with him. I think that this song really is very suitable for the both of them to have a duet on. In every videos of them that I kind of rediscover, it was very clear that Anita has this unusual glow in her face that proves to me that she is indeed in love with Andy. Sadly, I do not see the same in Andy's face. Yes, I can see that he cares for her but I do not see anything else beside that. Sad, but one sided love and especially when your object of affection is your friend is bittersweet. My heart goes with Anita and I really really admire her for not avoiding Andy. They took care of each other until the end. And I admire both of them for that. But still, it really is sad that someone who loves that genuinely cannot be loved back.

I will never be enough

I know I am not the best. And I know that I never will be. I'm doing my best but my best is never good enough. I will always be compared with my friends and I will always fall short. Whilst my friends are very different from me, they may be much better than me. And yet, there's only one thing that I did that they have not done. I never left the family, not for a better opportunity not even for love. They will always compare me with my friends and they will always prevail. But what they have not realized is that I have sacrificed myself for them. I turned down what supposed to be a new chapter in my life for them and yet it is not enough. I am not good enough for them despite all. I will never be enough. Or maybe it's just wrong of me to forsake my own happiness and stayed with them instead of living my own life, calling my own shots?!

Golds at Dusk

Golds at Dusk

Alone with my thoughts,
staring into horizon.
I found nuggets,
shimmering and shining.
Amidst jades,
are there golds.

While sky is dimming,
your rays are dancing.
Who would have guessed,
your importance is less.
But you are to me,
the best you got to be.

~March 9, 2011. watching lamps hung in trees at the Luneta Park

Past Baby

So I was happily starting my day, brewing my morning coffee and signing in in social networking sites when I saw IT. I was browsing posts after posts from friends and there it was. In plain view and impossible to ignore, baby pictures... my ex's. Yeah I know I'm over him but when I saw from whose album those pictures belong to, I felt...weird. I have known all along that his partner is pregnant but I guess I never expected to see the baby, one very ordinary day. I just have not imagined seeing the baby this soon. Well, I know that it's not because I am still bitter over what happened to our relationship but maybe it's because... fuck. Okay. It is because I am nowhere close to being single and fabulous; and yet he has already achieved his ultimate dream of having his own family, especially, having a son at that. So yeah, maybe I am bitter but not because we broke up but because he is doing well and I'm not. I know that this way of thinking is not acceptable but hell, what do I care. I just don't want to look like a joke, or someone to take pity of. Damn it, the main reason why I did not accept his request to be one of my friends in these social networking sites is exactly because of situations like this. And yet, having mutual friends, I cannot really escape the ugly reality, can I?

Just babbling

So yeah, its that kind of moment again when I want to blog but have nothing to blog about (or too much to blog that I don't know which to blog first). I just feel like blogging and yeah, I know this is fast becoming a rant than a blog. Anyway, I do not care since this is my blog and I have every right to write anything that I want. Well, have you ever felt sad, very melancholy without knowing why? Its like a very sad feeling just overcame you and you cannot fathom why. That kind of feeling has been haunting me for quite some time now. I mean there are days that I suddenly feel very lonely. I know that I am carrying and handling a lot nowadays but for some reasons I cannot understand, I somehow know that these problems are not the cause of my sadness. Weird. But I think I'm a little bit scared. I am scared that this is a symptom of depression. I am a very emotional person and I know that depression has been an arm-reach for me for the longest time. I just hope that depression will not eventually wash over me.

Today marks the beginning of the Holy Week and for everything that has happened in my life I think this will be a different Holy Week for me. I just hope that I can find it in me to do what I ought to do this Lenten season. Nevertheless, I will do my best.