I Secretly Pray..

I just read the three installments of 'Unconditional Love' articles by Joanne Rae Ramirez in her column in The Philippine Star, People. The articles brought tears to my eyes. I know this will sound absurd and maybe sound too crazy but I can only relate to myself. To what happened to my relationship. I know I cannot compare to what the people in the articles have done because mine can be too petty. He was just my boyfriend with whom I didn't even have shared years with. But I love him just the same. I say love because up until now the love I have given him the first time around has never yet ended. I also say the first time because the relationship, has started and ended more than once.

Beyond the words, I would make him feel my love. I will give him time unrestrained. But in the end, nothing has saved the relationship. Not my love, not his love, not the time, not the space. The relationship has gone. Slipped very far way. Flew as high as the clouds. It is not mine to hold. It is not mine to cherish. But up until now, crazy, silly, non sense, wrong may it be, I still love him the way that I love him before. I do not expect things to change. I do not expect happiness to turn around. I do not expect happy ending. My belief of such happy endings has already ceased after what has tranversed. The belief has remained only a relief.

Inside my heart even if I try my best to cover it, even to the point that I am already fooling myself, I secretly pray for him to turn around. I secretly pray that he will once again be mine. I secretly pray that I would be able to hear his voice again whispering I love you to me. I secretly pray that I would glance at my cellphone only to see his text saying how much he misses me. I secretly pray that 'honey'will not stab my heart anymore. I secretly pray that romantic flicks will not make me cry anymore. I secretly pray that I do not have to be sarcastic about love anymore.

In the end, I secretly pray that he and I will be US again, till the end of time.

Gestures of Love

I was watching TV last night. Actually I was watching Boys Over Flowers, the Korean version of Meteor Garden (remember the chinovela that prompted people to "sing" chinese song even if its only "oh baby baby..." that they can say). Well, while watching it, a thought came to mind.

When loving, is it the gestures of grandeur or the little sincere ones that proves to the person you love how much you love him/her? Is it the fireworks, the sky writing, carpet of red roses, chopper sightseeing that weighs more? Or is it the shoulder to cry on, the hand that wipes your tears, the joke that makes you laugh, and the gaze that makes you feel okay that matters more?

We get kilig when someone organizes fireworks for us. We get overwhelmed when shown the carpet of red roses. But for the shoulder that would always lets you lean and cry on, and the laughter brought by the joke when the world crashed on you.. do they matter less?

That's Jun Pyo and Ji Hoo, you guys.

But come to think of it, even the young master Jun Pyo also mellowed down to the small but sincere acts of love. His sacrifice of avoiding Jan Di and hurts inside. His sacrifice of calling Ji Hoo to take care of Jan Di and cries alone. That is love. Even if he is pushing Jan Di away when in fact he would ask his secretary to update him of happenings in Jan Di's life, it is love.

Of the hundreds of things each and every character in Boys Over Flowers did for love, it all boils down to a single bottom line. To love is to sacrifice. To love is to be selfless.

We get crazy about love and love makes us crazy. But even if, we always welcome it with open arms.

So my friends, for whom would you give your heart, to the Casanova? or to the Knight in Shining Armor?

Playing Strong Yet Alone

Paano nga ba kung hindi ka makalimot? Paano nga ba kung nagiisa ka?

Walang nakakaintindi sa akin. Dahil kahit ako, hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko. Minsan naaawa ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ako naiintindihan ng mga tao. Not even my friends. Ang nakakainis kahit na anong paliwanag ang gawin ko, hindi pa rin nila ako maintindihan. Yung iba, hinuhusgahan pa ako. Hindi ko pinipilit na intindihan nila ako. Pero sana huwag din nila akong husgahan.

Ang hirap. Kahit na ilang beses mong sabihin na ayaw mo na. Ang totoo, ganun pa rin. Wala ka naman mababago eh. Wala ka naman mapapalitan. Walang pwedeng idagdag, at lalong walang pwedeng ibawas. Hindi naman mahirap kung tutuusin. Lahat naman may paraan. Pero paano kung ginawa mo na ang mga dapat mo gawin pero wala pa rin nagbabago. Hindi pa rin binibigay ang gusto mong makuha. Paano kung pinipilit mo na pero talo ka pa rin?

Parang wala nang pagasa. Pero alam kong mangyayari din. Alam ko mababago rin. Pero kung kailan? Hindi ko alam. Kahit kailan hindi ko malalaman. Iyan ang problema ko. Iyan ang hinagpis ko. Sana madaan sa dasal. Sana madaan sa pakiusap. Hindi ako humihingi ng milagro. Hindi rin ako humihingi ng kalabisan. Hiling ko lang na matapos na ito. Yun lang.

Power of Love

People say "believe in the power of love". Love conquers all as what I believe. But now, as love has done to me, love does not conquer all. In fact it does not conquer anything at all. It is powerless. It cannot do anything great. But at the same time, it is powerful. Powerful in a negative way. It is a very powerful destruction. It crushes you. It shuts you off. It hurts you deeply. It stabs you. It dissolves your personality. It drains you of your sanity. It snaps you from reality and fly you to heaven, only to drop you off from the sky. It picks you up from the ground only to bury you six-feet under. It puts you together, only to bomb you into mongrel pieces.

As powerful love may seem, it cannot conquer everything. For me, it cannot conquer anything at all. It is weak dealing with long distances, only freed itself when miles away. It is helpless when attacked, leaving you wounded. It is a coward when fighting, just letting him go even if you still can do something. It shuns away from the person you love, avoiding to be hurt. Does everything in its power then gives up and run away.

If love really is powerful, in a positive way, then I wouldn't be lonely now. If love can conquer everything, I would not be hurting now. I would have been happy now.. with him. I still love him, yes. I still damn love him. And fuck this shit called love, powerless, and useless. Can do nothing to make him stay. Can do nothing to bring us together. I miss him. Everyday. And I can't be saved by Love. I am left with nothing. I am left empty. Empty of him. Just full of misery.

The Pretender

People always thought I am lucky. Lucky because I do not have anything to worry about. Lucky because I do not appear in need of anything, to them.. One thing that they don't know.. I am a Pretender. It is not true that I don't have anything to worry about. It is certainly not true that I am not in need of anything. Does anyone know that I am empty? Has anyone looked deeply in my eyes and see the emptiness? None. Why? Because I am a pretender. Laughing heartily is one of my hobby, side by side with crying. But has anyone ever noticed that my laughters are just too loud, too happy? And has anyone ever noticed that my laugh is covering the pain inside? None. Because I am a pretender. When I talk, I talk lively, entertainingly. But no. It is untrue. Not the stories, but the way I present it to people. The liveliness is forced. The entertainment is a show. But all of it were appreciated. Because I am a pretender.

I pretend to be strong. I pretend to be okay. I pretend to be so full of life. The truth? I am crushed. I am empty. I am hurt. All of it were pretensions. And I have already mastered it. Nobody can look past me. Nobody. But myself. I often find myself pretending to other people and even force to pretend to myself. But the honesty of my heart cannot just possibly fool myself. I did my best to hide my own feelings from myself. But how can I succeed if for every pretension, and effort I make to force myself to be okay, I feel thorns. Thorns that deeply etch themselves on my heart. How can I force myself to be okay if every time I look at the mirror, I can see through my eyes the heaviness of my heart?

Sometimes, I want to fly. To be free. To be just oblivious of everything. Sometimes, I pray. And I cry. But at the end of each day, I know, I am still empty. I am still not healed. And yet, I have to prepare because tomorrow, tomorrow the show must go on.


The curtain is up, the audience claps, and waits for another great show from the master... The Star...


The Pretender.

Delete!

Eto na naman ako.. depression na ata talaga itong nararamdaman ko, hindi ko na gusto. May mga umaga na ayaw ko na magising. Kahit gising na ako, ayaw ko pa rin bumangon at pinipilit ko ang sarili ko bumalik sa pagtulog. Hindi dahil sa tinatamad ako. Kung hindi dahil alam kong sa pagtulog lang ako makakatakas. Oo, like a coward, tumatakas ako. Tumatakas ako na maisip siya, maalala siya. Sa pagtulog lang ako nakaakiwas sa kaniya. Kahit na minsan laman siya ng panaginip ko, at least, hindi parati. At least sandali lang. Hindi tulad ng pag gising ako, parang hindi siya naaalis sa isip ko. For each moment that I am awake, I feel so vulnerable. Anytime, pwede siyang pumasok sa isip ko. Nahihirapan na ako. Oo, hindi naman first time na nangyari ito sa akin. Pero ngayon lang ako nahirapan ng ganito. Sa pagkakataon pa na ito kung kailang tinutulungan ko naman ang sarili ko at buo ang puso ko na maka-move on. Pero wala pa rin. Nasasaktan pa rin ako at hindi pa rin ako maka-move on. Nagdadasal ako pero ayaw Niya akong pakinggan. Bakit? Wala naman akong tinatapakan na iba pero bakit ayaw Niya akong tulungan? Gusto ko na talaga makalimutan siya. Im hoping desperately na sana computer na lang ang utak ko na pwede kong piliin kung ano ang isa-save at ano ang ide-delete. Gusto ko lang naman maging ok na ako eh. Hindi ba pwede yun? Talaga bang kailangan miserable ang buhay ko? Dahil kung ganun, mabuti pa kung matatapos na lang ito.

Ayoko na... pagod na ako.. masyado na akong nasasaktan. Suko na ako. Ayoko na talaga.. please...