Haunting Me

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nitong mga huling linggo naiisip kita. Namimiss kita. At ang pinaka hindi ko matanggap ay naiiyak ako sa mga naiiisip ko. Alam kong tapos na ako sa'yo. Alam kong naka-moved on na ako. Pero ano ito? Thoughts of you are haunting me and I don't understand why. Pag naiisip kita, parang kahapon lang nangyari ang lahat. I still feel your arms around me. I can still hear your words of love echoing inside me. Minsan sumagi sa isip ko na baka you are my one true love. And then I thought "bullshit! You are not my true love. I have already moved on." Pero sa totoo lang, kapag ba naka moved on ka na sa isang past relationship, ibig bang sabihin noon hindi siya ang true love mo? Equivalent ba ng moving on ang kasiguraduhan na hindi siya ang true love mo?

Normal ba itong parte ng buhay, is this some kind of a bridge between phases of your life that while you are yearning for somebody else, at the same time you are also missing someone in your past? Or is this a perfect truth that you are in denial, and that you kept on going back to that person in your past because the one you are yearning for now cannot be yours and you are just afraid to face that truth because you don't want to feel rejected and be hurt again?

Where?

Too many things to write about, but I don't know where to start. I just want to write and write until I finish what I am supposed to finish. Until I let everything out. I do not intend to rant about useless things. But I want to release every single thing from my mind if it will lighten my burden. So many things have transpired and I cannot seem to find my first landing. I cannot say that I'm confused, more of I am disheartened of the difficulty I am now facing and some more that I will soon face. I do not know what to make of myself. Of my life. Without her, I do not know what to become of me. She has been my strength, my motivation, my purpose. When she's gone, I might as well go with her. I cannot afford to lose another person in my life, and yet I am bound to lose one. If only I can exchange my life with her, I would. If I can "transfer" a few years of my life, I would not think twice of doing it. I just want to spend a few more years with her. Without her, I wouldn't find the purpose of my existence.

Guilt Realm

I thought its my turn.
I thought finally.
I felt important.
I felt precious.
But I'm submerged.
Deep in a realm
of guilt.
Innocently, yes.
But I'm restless.
Afraid to face you.
Yet afraid to lose you.

Sorry

Sorry. Yan ang last text ko sa'yo. Hindi mo sinagot ang text ko na iyan at mas mabuti ngang ganun. Dahil kung tatanungin mo ako, mapipilitan akong sabihin ang totoo. Sorry.. kailangan kong lumayo, kahit sabi mo huwag kong putulin ang pagiging magbest natin. Sorry.. kasi im starting to fall for you. Hindi dapat eh. Nakikipagbalikan ka sa kaniya di ba kahit na ikaw naman ang nakipag break sa kaniya? Only shows na you don't really want to leave her. So ano pang gagawin ko. Ayaw ko namang saktan ang sarili ko. Better to leave. At nakakasira lang ako sa inyo. Maraming salamat ha. Sa lahat. Sorry...

I'm so sorry.. for starting to fall for you. I didn't mean to. Don't worry, if you need me, hindi kita tatalikuran. I'd still be your "best". But for now, now that you don't need me yet, I'll leave both of you alone. Wish you happiness. Sorry. Sorry...

Storm

The storm has passed.
I thought
the sun will shine.

It did not.
The clouds are here.
It rained.
A storm.
I cried.

Defriend

May natanggap akong message from you. Sabi mo tanggalin na kita sa friend's list ko at idedelete mo na din ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Pero may kurot nang mabasa ko iyon. That came unexpectedly. Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang kasunod. Sasabihin mo rin ba na hindi na rin tayo maguusap? I think I have to brace myself for when that moment comes. Nanghihinayang ako sa friendship natin, higit sa lahat kung magkakaganoon nga. Sabi mo hindi sa'yo galing yun. Sa kaniya. But still, may kurot akong naramdaman.

I was about to blog sana yung nakita kong status message niya nung gabing nagtext ka sa akin. I remember saying those lines before. And somehow, I felt her. Pero tama na nga siguro. What's meant to be, will be.