I will never be enough

I know I am not the best. And I know that I never will be. I'm doing my best but my best is never good enough. I will always be compared with my friends and I will always fall short. Whilst my friends are very different from me, they may be much better than me. And yet, there's only one thing that I did that they have not done. I never left the family, not for a better opportunity not even for love. They will always compare me with my friends and they will always prevail. But what they have not realized is that I have sacrificed myself for them. I turned down what supposed to be a new chapter in my life for them and yet it is not enough. I am not good enough for them despite all. I will never be enough. Or maybe it's just wrong of me to forsake my own happiness and stayed with them instead of living my own life, calling my own shots?!

Golds at Dusk

Golds at Dusk

Alone with my thoughts,
staring into horizon.
I found nuggets,
shimmering and shining.
Amidst jades,
are there golds.

While sky is dimming,
your rays are dancing.
Who would have guessed,
your importance is less.
But you are to me,
the best you got to be.

~March 9, 2011. watching lamps hung in trees at the Luneta Park

Past Baby

So I was happily starting my day, brewing my morning coffee and signing in in social networking sites when I saw IT. I was browsing posts after posts from friends and there it was. In plain view and impossible to ignore, baby pictures... my ex's. Yeah I know I'm over him but when I saw from whose album those pictures belong to, I felt...weird. I have known all along that his partner is pregnant but I guess I never expected to see the baby, one very ordinary day. I just have not imagined seeing the baby this soon. Well, I know that it's not because I am still bitter over what happened to our relationship but maybe it's because... fuck. Okay. It is because I am nowhere close to being single and fabulous; and yet he has already achieved his ultimate dream of having his own family, especially, having a son at that. So yeah, maybe I am bitter but not because we broke up but because he is doing well and I'm not. I know that this way of thinking is not acceptable but hell, what do I care. I just don't want to look like a joke, or someone to take pity of. Damn it, the main reason why I did not accept his request to be one of my friends in these social networking sites is exactly because of situations like this. And yet, having mutual friends, I cannot really escape the ugly reality, can I?

Just babbling

So yeah, its that kind of moment again when I want to blog but have nothing to blog about (or too much to blog that I don't know which to blog first). I just feel like blogging and yeah, I know this is fast becoming a rant than a blog. Anyway, I do not care since this is my blog and I have every right to write anything that I want. Well, have you ever felt sad, very melancholy without knowing why? Its like a very sad feeling just overcame you and you cannot fathom why. That kind of feeling has been haunting me for quite some time now. I mean there are days that I suddenly feel very lonely. I know that I am carrying and handling a lot nowadays but for some reasons I cannot understand, I somehow know that these problems are not the cause of my sadness. Weird. But I think I'm a little bit scared. I am scared that this is a symptom of depression. I am a very emotional person and I know that depression has been an arm-reach for me for the longest time. I just hope that depression will not eventually wash over me.

Today marks the beginning of the Holy Week and for everything that has happened in my life I think this will be a different Holy Week for me. I just hope that I can find it in me to do what I ought to do this Lenten season. Nevertheless, I will do my best.

Years after...

An ex of mine has been looking for me in the cyberspace. It was always a bad timing. Whenever he would send a PM to me, I'm always offline. So ang ending offline messages sa YM ko. Well, after two PM's I decided to PM back para lang matapos na. The last PM was just a simple hello and kamusta ka na. So I replied ok lang. Since I already deleted him sa friends' list ko sa YM I do not know kung online ba siya or hindi. A few minutes after nagreply siya, asking about my grandmother. After answering that question, he said "mag sorry ako sa'yo sa mga nagawa ko." And that "patawarin mo na lang ako." Well, I told him that if he really knows me then he should have known that I do not sow hatred in my heart and that if we are not meant to be then we are not. I cannot do anything about that. So i said, "go on with your life, don't worry. I have already forgiven you a long time ago. And I do not blame you for what happened to us." He said thanks for everything and I replied "the same goes with you". His last reply was "your welcome po".

So here's the thing, it has already been years since we last talked. And I feel that his sorry was long overdue that it is not necessary anymore. But then again, if his conscience is bothering him as what he said, then fine with me. Just so that his conscience will be at peace, I really do not blame him for what happened to us. Even at the very start I already knew that we are not going to end up together. And halfway through our relationship I knew that a breakup will be inevitable. Things go as planned. I believe that. He was brought to my life to teach me something and maybe also for him to learn something from me. I think and I hope that we both have learned whatever lesson that we ought to learn. If only to give meaning for what we had before.

CYF again

Why is it that whenever I think of you, I can feel my heart breaking all over again? Guess I really like you, huh? (Or is it want?) Shucks. Its like first love again. I really envy her for having you. I'm desperate to have you, CYF. It makes me envious whenever I read the captions of your pictures together. It's just so sweet to read Mr. and Mrs. CYF in the captions. :-(