Years after...

An ex of mine has been looking for me in the cyberspace. It was always a bad timing. Whenever he would send a PM to me, I'm always offline. So ang ending offline messages sa YM ko. Well, after two PM's I decided to PM back para lang matapos na. The last PM was just a simple hello and kamusta ka na. So I replied ok lang. Since I already deleted him sa friends' list ko sa YM I do not know kung online ba siya or hindi. A few minutes after nagreply siya, asking about my grandmother. After answering that question, he said "mag sorry ako sa'yo sa mga nagawa ko." And that "patawarin mo na lang ako." Well, I told him that if he really knows me then he should have known that I do not sow hatred in my heart and that if we are not meant to be then we are not. I cannot do anything about that. So i said, "go on with your life, don't worry. I have already forgiven you a long time ago. And I do not blame you for what happened to us." He said thanks for everything and I replied "the same goes with you". His last reply was "your welcome po".

So here's the thing, it has already been years since we last talked. And I feel that his sorry was long overdue that it is not necessary anymore. But then again, if his conscience is bothering him as what he said, then fine with me. Just so that his conscience will be at peace, I really do not blame him for what happened to us. Even at the very start I already knew that we are not going to end up together. And halfway through our relationship I knew that a breakup will be inevitable. Things go as planned. I believe that. He was brought to my life to teach me something and maybe also for him to learn something from me. I think and I hope that we both have learned whatever lesson that we ought to learn. If only to give meaning for what we had before.

CYF again

Why is it that whenever I think of you, I can feel my heart breaking all over again? Guess I really like you, huh? (Or is it want?) Shucks. Its like first love again. I really envy her for having you. I'm desperate to have you, CYF. It makes me envious whenever I read the captions of your pictures together. It's just so sweet to read Mr. and Mrs. CYF in the captions. :-(

女人花 MV

女人花

I have been bumming around the house the other night and out of sheer pleasure, I started playing videos in YouTube. I have been revisiting my old favorites of Chinese songs and got a very overwhelming experience feeling all the memories attached to each songs rush back to me. Today, trying to recreate that ambiance here in the office, I played a long series of old favorites again. Unearthing from YouTube's database, I found the late Hong Kong super star, "Asia's Madonna", Anita Mui's music videos. Selecting a handful of her songs that I really love, I created a playlist of her songs.

One particular song out of the hundreds that I have played stood out distinctively. The moment its few notes played out, I got shivers and a very warm, fuzzy feeling all over. The feeling is just astonishing and at the same time unbearable. I haven't felt anything like that before and its just like magic. Its like she is singing directly to me. Its like the song was written just for me exclusively and that it is to be consumed by me and me only. Just a little before the chorus part, I find the song very familiar and thought I already heard it before, way way before. I looked at the title of the song and realized that the song title is also very familiar to me. In fact I think I already heard the song before and planned on having a copy of it. I have a habit of writing down titles of those songs that I really love in the hope of someday I would have my own copy of that. I think this song is on that list of mine.

The song's title is 女人花 or when directly translated, Woman Flower. I love how this song touches my soul. I love how I feel like crying even though I have listened to it a number of times already today. I feel like it is touching my heart and moving me to the extreme. It is really very moving. I cannot possibly describe exactly how it can give me that kind of feeling but it is really superb. The melody matches Anita's low, soulful voice perfectly. I think this is one of her songs that seems like to be tailored-fit to her. At the same time, I cannot help but feel bad that she is not longer here to touch me with her new creations. She is a very big loss to the industry and to people who love her craft. In case you do not know yet, she can not only sing but she can also act. Oh yes, the girl can really act. Her movie "Rouge" opposite Leslie Cheung, who I also love watching, which got her that major award is really good. I have watched it when I was a child and I really admire her although I cannot say that I understood the movie completely, I can feel the emotions surging through me. It really is a pity that Anita Mui has already left us. I know that no one will surpass her. Both her craft, and her achievements.

As you can see, the title of this post is simply Anita's song title and it is because I cannot think of anything that I can use that will give justification to the song. No words can really describe how I perceive it to be.

And Again

I have been watching you from afar. Miles and miles afar. I can only look at you from a distance, and a great distance at that. I have always enjoyed your presence, satisfied with just your presence. It have been years ago since I first saw you and I already liked you. I was so fond of you ever since but time changed and suddenly we were separated for so long. It is only recently that I thought of you again, I do not understand perfectly but it suddenly happened. I guess you have always been in my heart and was summoned by my conscious, unconsciously. I looked for you, and I looked so hard. Then I found you. When I laid my eyes on your face once again, after so many years, I have realized that nothing has really changed. I still admire you. And that nobody has taken your place in my heart. While watching you, yet again, from afar, I found myself falling deeper and deeper to you. I would be drawn into your eyes and get drowned helplessly. I get hypnotized by your stares and charmed with your words. My heart palpitates every time you smile and I know that I want you to be mine. I tried to know more about you since I haven’t seen you for a long time. Guess how my heart broke when while gathering some information about you I saw a picture. A picture of you, holding hands, with your wife. I was crushed. I kind of expected it already though that you are married. But I guess I had held my hopes up that maybe, by some miracle, you are still single. That is even though I am sure that it will never be the two of us. While looking at these pictures, I cannot help but think that she's lucky to have you. I would die just to be in her shoes even for just a day. Oh, I am really crushed this time. I am desperate to be with you. I want those eyes of yours to look at mine, deeply. I want those warm smiles and charisma to work on me, and me alone. But I know it is not possible as you don't even know me. So yeah, it may sound stupid but that's the truth. My heart has been broken again… by Chow Yun Fat.

Endings.. Of happy or not

I finally found a copy of one of my favorite movies, Anna and the King. I watched the movie again and I must say it did not change how I feel towards it. I still love the love story between King Mongkut and Anna. I love the way how they look at each other, full of love and yet restrained by themselves, by tradition, by culture, and by politics. I melt when King Mongkut stares at Anna's eyes. I got swooned when King Mongkut held his hand at Anna for the waltz. All the hairs at the back of my neck stood up when King Mongkut let Anna walk inside the room first before him when he's about to tell her about the Burmese British fight. It made me want to reach out to him when he tried in vain to convince Anna to accept the ring and was frustrated when Anna rejected the gift. I can't help but smile everytime King Mongkut teases Anna ever so slightly. Its as if they are teenage lovers trying to hide their relationship from their parents. And I was disappointed when King Mongkut stopped himself from kissing Anna that night on the beach after reading President Abraham Lincoln's letter to the King. I got kilig for the nth time when King Mongkut tried to hide his smile when he saw Anna at the end of the long line of bowed down people when she returned to help the King on their journey to safety. I got kilig yet again when the King did nothing but stared and stared at Anna while on the boat that even the Head Wife understood what was going on between the King and the schoolteacher. I can't help but cry when King Mongkut held Anna's hands when they are about to dance their last dance. And it hurt even more when the King kissed the woman he loves' hand and placed it on his heart and leaned his cheek on Anna's forehead while they dance to the melody of their hearts. And then, after the movie, I realized that I fell in love with him.. the man behind King Mongkut. Also, I have once again proven to myself that it is indeed true. That not all love stories have happy endings. Sometimes not even True Love ends happily, and for this, I weep.