Birthday

Birthday ko ngayon.. hindi mo ako binati.. I kept on hoping na sana maalala mo man lang akong batiin kahit na alam kong hindi mo gagawin. Akala ko, tuwing that time of the month lang kita naalala dahil sa hormones. Pero alam mo, kahit ngayon, namimiss kita. Naaalala kita. Kahit na may Boy Toy na.. alam mo ba na ikaw pa rin? Kahit na pinipilit kong maging ok na, alam mo ba naiisip pa rin kita? Umiiyak ako ngayon.. kasi gusto ko tayo pa rin. Kasi gusto ko maging masaya kasama ka. Sana may lakas ako ng loob na ipabasa sa iyo ang mga nandito. Pero naisip ko, kung ipabasa ko nga sa'yo 'to.. may mababago ba? Babalikan mo ba ako? O deadma lang? Alam mo, masakit pa rin kahit na isang taon na ang nakakalipas. Kahit na meron nang Boy Toy. Akala ko maloloko ko sarili ko na ok na ako 'pag nadivert na ang atensyon ko. But guess what? I had the shock of my life when I realized that I am still craving for "us". May kirot pa rin sa puso ko.. Masakit pa rin. Ibig ba sabihin noon, mahal pa rin kita despite of all my efforts? Niloloko ko lang ba ang sarili ko na kaya kong maka-move on?

Sabi ko kanina, ayaw kong malungkot, kasi birthday ko. Sabi ko kanina ayaw kong umiyak kasi birthday ko. Pero malungkot ako ngayon.. Umiiyak ako.. kasi birthday ko... At wala ka sa tabi ko.

Mahal pa rin kita.. Tayo na lang ulit?

Miss kita

Namimiss nanaman kita. Umiiyak nanaman ako. Hindi ko nga alam kung hormonal change lang ba itong nararanasan ko eh. Minsan may mga gabi na ayaw ko matulog kasi kapag nakahiga na ako naiisip kita. Kapag wala akong ginagawa, my mind would always wander towards you. Kapag mag-isa na lang ako sa kwarto ko, ang lungkot. Sobrang lungkot. Noong tayo pa kasi, sa tuwing magkausap tayo sa cellphone, nakahiga ako sa kama. Bihira kitang kausap na wala ako sa loob ng kwarto. Kaya alam mo kung anong ginagawa ko para hindi ko maramdaman yung lungkot? Gabi-gabi, iniimagine ko katabi kita sa pagtulog. Tulad ng "ginagawa" natin noon. Nagkukunwari tayo na magkatabi tayong matutulog. Ganon pa rin ang ginagawa ko ngayon. Nagkukunwari, nag-i-imagine na katabi kita at kayakap mo akong matutulog. Doon lang kasi kita puwedeng makasama, sa isip ko lang.

Bilog Ang Mundo

Naalala ko noon, nung bata pa ako, hindi ko kailangan mangulit o humingi man lang ng kahit na ano. Titigan ko lang ang isang laruan sa mall, o hipuin ko lang ang isang bestida sa department store, bibilhin na kaagad at iaabot na lang sa akin.

Ibang-iba sa pinagdadaanan ko ngayon.

Ilang beses na akong nagmamakaawa sa Diyos. Ilang beses na akong nakiusap sa Kaniya pero hindi pa rin Niya ako pinagbibigyan. Ngayon ko napatunayan, kahit pala maraming hindi magagandang nasasabi tungkol sa ex ko ang mga tao, mahal ko pala siya. At bale-wala pala talaga sa akin ang mga puna nila.

Oo, kahit pa sabihin nila na bakla ka. At sabihin mo sa akin na naguguluhan ka na parang nag-a-identity crisis ka, mahal kita.

Mahal pa rin kita. Sana alam mo yun.

Kahit ano ka pa, mahal kita. At tanggap kita. Sana bumalik ka na sa akin. Mahal na mahal kasi kita. Hindi ko magawang lubos na maging masaya.

Dahil wala ka. Balik ka na sa akin please.

I Secretly Pray..

I just read the three installments of 'Unconditional Love' articles by Joanne Rae Ramirez in her column in The Philippine Star, People. The articles brought tears to my eyes. I know this will sound absurd and maybe sound too crazy but I can only relate to myself. To what happened to my relationship. I know I cannot compare to what the people in the articles have done because mine can be too petty. He was just my boyfriend with whom I didn't even have shared years with. But I love him just the same. I say love because up until now the love I have given him the first time around has never yet ended. I also say the first time because the relationship, has started and ended more than once.

Beyond the words, I would make him feel my love. I will give him time unrestrained. But in the end, nothing has saved the relationship. Not my love, not his love, not the time, not the space. The relationship has gone. Slipped very far way. Flew as high as the clouds. It is not mine to hold. It is not mine to cherish. But up until now, crazy, silly, non sense, wrong may it be, I still love him the way that I love him before. I do not expect things to change. I do not expect happiness to turn around. I do not expect happy ending. My belief of such happy endings has already ceased after what has tranversed. The belief has remained only a relief.

Inside my heart even if I try my best to cover it, even to the point that I am already fooling myself, I secretly pray for him to turn around. I secretly pray that he will once again be mine. I secretly pray that I would be able to hear his voice again whispering I love you to me. I secretly pray that I would glance at my cellphone only to see his text saying how much he misses me. I secretly pray that 'honey'will not stab my heart anymore. I secretly pray that romantic flicks will not make me cry anymore. I secretly pray that I do not have to be sarcastic about love anymore.

In the end, I secretly pray that he and I will be US again, till the end of time.

Gestures of Love

I was watching TV last night. Actually I was watching Boys Over Flowers, the Korean version of Meteor Garden (remember the chinovela that prompted people to "sing" chinese song even if its only "oh baby baby..." that they can say). Well, while watching it, a thought came to mind.

When loving, is it the gestures of grandeur or the little sincere ones that proves to the person you love how much you love him/her? Is it the fireworks, the sky writing, carpet of red roses, chopper sightseeing that weighs more? Or is it the shoulder to cry on, the hand that wipes your tears, the joke that makes you laugh, and the gaze that makes you feel okay that matters more?

We get kilig when someone organizes fireworks for us. We get overwhelmed when shown the carpet of red roses. But for the shoulder that would always lets you lean and cry on, and the laughter brought by the joke when the world crashed on you.. do they matter less?

That's Jun Pyo and Ji Hoo, you guys.

But come to think of it, even the young master Jun Pyo also mellowed down to the small but sincere acts of love. His sacrifice of avoiding Jan Di and hurts inside. His sacrifice of calling Ji Hoo to take care of Jan Di and cries alone. That is love. Even if he is pushing Jan Di away when in fact he would ask his secretary to update him of happenings in Jan Di's life, it is love.

Of the hundreds of things each and every character in Boys Over Flowers did for love, it all boils down to a single bottom line. To love is to sacrifice. To love is to be selfless.

We get crazy about love and love makes us crazy. But even if, we always welcome it with open arms.

So my friends, for whom would you give your heart, to the Casanova? or to the Knight in Shining Armor?

Playing Strong Yet Alone

Paano nga ba kung hindi ka makalimot? Paano nga ba kung nagiisa ka?

Walang nakakaintindi sa akin. Dahil kahit ako, hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko. Minsan naaawa ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ako naiintindihan ng mga tao. Not even my friends. Ang nakakainis kahit na anong paliwanag ang gawin ko, hindi pa rin nila ako maintindihan. Yung iba, hinuhusgahan pa ako. Hindi ko pinipilit na intindihan nila ako. Pero sana huwag din nila akong husgahan.

Ang hirap. Kahit na ilang beses mong sabihin na ayaw mo na. Ang totoo, ganun pa rin. Wala ka naman mababago eh. Wala ka naman mapapalitan. Walang pwedeng idagdag, at lalong walang pwedeng ibawas. Hindi naman mahirap kung tutuusin. Lahat naman may paraan. Pero paano kung ginawa mo na ang mga dapat mo gawin pero wala pa rin nagbabago. Hindi pa rin binibigay ang gusto mong makuha. Paano kung pinipilit mo na pero talo ka pa rin?

Parang wala nang pagasa. Pero alam kong mangyayari din. Alam ko mababago rin. Pero kung kailan? Hindi ko alam. Kahit kailan hindi ko malalaman. Iyan ang problema ko. Iyan ang hinagpis ko. Sana madaan sa dasal. Sana madaan sa pakiusap. Hindi ako humihingi ng milagro. Hindi rin ako humihingi ng kalabisan. Hiling ko lang na matapos na ito. Yun lang.